8 FIRST RAPTURE.

 

Between bottles and lullabies, I discovered that I was under the influence of the most feared square off, the one who kidnaps and forces to live in hell, submits to pain, destroys and brings you back to birth, the god of the underworld: Pluto, was square to himself (he had traveled ninety degrees in the zodiac, from his position at the time of my birth) on my astral map. Willing to do his job, this aspect destroyed every sense of attachment I could feel, ideas, ways of life, relationships and the possible death of my oldest son. It is one of the aspects that all people go through between thirty-four and approximately thirty-eight years, specific situations depend on the awareness of each person, their astral maps and the influences that may be making other planets. 

In a perfect gear, I found in the bookcase of the house a book from alcoholic anonymous, that my partner kept. The content changed my life, in its pages explains the stages a family goes through with an alcoholic member. As earthenware of mausoleum, the real situation fell on me with all its weight. Although I had stopped drinking years ago when I realized I was about to cross the line that doesn't have come back, I became a codependent. The biggest internal job was to recognize it, in order to change it. For years, I experienced a great deal of internal tension, because I could not give in completely to codependency, but also could not transform it either. 

At that time, Pluto had accomplices, the rebel Uranus facing Jupiter, intensifying my aspirations and my desires to grow, with some anxiety and haste. With an imperious manner made me realize that if I really wanted to achieve the desired life, I had to make a very risky decision for my codependent self, and I had to get out of that toxic environment. 

The pain of realizing I lived in an environment of alcoholism, and the effect of codependency itself that sways between the search for external culprits and the need to save them. That was my reality; that was me, I was kidnapped in the consequences of the decisions I had made years before, in resonance with my family past. 

With the influence of these planets, which oriented me to growth, and others that they showed my sad reality, I felt within myself a powerful desire to prevent my children repeating the story that put me into action.  

The fears, the confusion between love, the duty to be, being myself, the responsibility to my little ones and my own wishes, all mixed in a psycho-emotional cocktail.

I begged for a change, a path, something that would allow me to break this impasse. And I was granted such change. Saturn, but this time, in conjunction with my stellium, he rewarded me with a good I work as a Montessori guide and in three months I abandoned the father of my children, who rejected my proposal for a change. I moved out with my two sons, the one year old, Sun in Leo and the Sun in Pisces, three years old. After a few weeks our rental got flooded from terrible rains trapping us in moistened walls soon invaded by fungi, such as the caves that inhabited by the god of the underworld, a cold environment that froze my soul. Furthermore it was putting my health and that of my little ones at risk. By that time, my young Sun in Aries had already adventured out into the world to walk his path.

Somehow, history was repeating itself. I had to get out of the same toxic environment and codependent relationship, alcoholism and “machismo”. It was an opportunity that I could not ignore, but I had a long way to go to travel and much to learn from my codependency and my feminine condition.